Children's Circle

Thanks to Children's Circle, I am regularly approached by parents and members of the community for my advice on how to work with children and families in uncommon situations. One of the hottest topics is the blending of children and ritual. Specifically, how to make the experience of bringing children to ritual pleasant for everyone in attendance. This is a complex etiquette issue that is often whispered about behind the scenes.  Hopefully, this article can help families and circles find harmony during ritual.

First, I would like to make the distinction between public and private rituals.  Private rituals are just that... private.  The individuals officiating have the right to limit attendance to adults only if they choose.  On the other hand, at a public ritual, everyone that attends is welcome to join the circle.  Children are part of the community and they will participate in their own way.  Anyone that attends a public ritual should anticipate the presence of children and the possibility of some disruption during the ritual.

That said, as parents, it is our responsibility to make sure that when we bring a child to ritual that we are conscious of the spiritual needs of others, we know that our child is ready to participate in ritual, and that we are prepared to leave at any time if the child becomes disruptive.  Hushing and fussing with a child or watching a child run wild during ritual is disrepectful to everyone and, simply, in poor taste.

In some covens and small groups it is not unusual to have small children wandering in and out of circles.  Usually these gatherings take place in a safe, confined space where the children are familiar with the adults present, their environment, their expectations and their boundaries so they can come and go without much worry.  That's fantastic.  Unfortunately, in open public rituals, we not only have to be concerned with the safety of our kids, but the etiquette of the circle in which we have chosen to participate.

Why does my darling, precious, joyful, radiant, perfectly mannered child fuss in ritual?

Assuming the child is well fed and rested, most young children still behave in ways that can be uncharacteristic when they are in a ritual circle.  A ritual, to a child, is tantamount to a spiritual/energetic rock concert.  With their wide open, raw energy reception, the rise and fall of energy in rituals is like the experience of riding a roller coaster at a KISS concert while tripping on acid.  You can have a perfectly calm child, bring them into a ritual with energy intensifying and floating around and that child is going to become so completely ungrounded that you have to peel them from the clouds!  They become disoriented, anxious and often afraid at their own lack of control.  A child that is not used to these patterns of energy created in a ritual can become quite unhinged by the experience.  Please be conscious of what you are asking your child to participate in before insisting they be calm.  There is sound, vibration, people, light shows, smells... sometimes it's overwhelming for adults.  Imagine what it does to a child!  

Oh, and lets not forget the chronically bored child.  As a defense mechanism, many children will tune out the energy.  Because they have become oblivious and disengaged themselves, they become excruciatingly bored and whiny <group eye roll>.  The other version of the bored child is the one that doesn't even want to be there in the first place.  The only reason why they are there is because they are minors, can't stay home by themselves and are just along for the ride.  For all those grown ups out there that are now complaining of the years they were dragged to church and forced to endure the tortures of percieved religious drama against their will... are you asking anything different of your own child when you bring them to ritual?

Our parenting choices also play a significant role in how our children may behave.  Pagans and Heathens, in the general sense, are very honouring of expression and movement.  We celebrate this in our casual gatherings and even in our clothing.  I have yet to see anyone show up for ritual in a 3 piece suit.  We just don't have that attitude towards restriction that is present in many other spiritual paths.  Children are encouraged to play freely, engage in fantasy and enjoy themselves in very uninhibited ways.

If we are raising our children in an environment where we consistently allow freedom of expression, movement and choice, why are we so baffled when they can't stand still for an hour in ritual?  It is developmentally inappropriate to ask a pre-schooler to sit still for an extended period of time and listen to a lecture that might as well be in a foreign language.  However, there are ways that you can teach your child appropriate behaviour for ritual. 

If you have chosen to have your child attend rituals, it is your job to prepare them.  Parents, this process may take years.  Accept it.  Some children may groove right into ritual, some may want nothing to do with it, others just need more time to acclimate to the process.  Start with doing rituals at home.  Unplug and acquaint the child with sacred moments and sacred space.  With time, they will learn to recognize the energy patterns associated with sacred time and will behave accordingly.

Educate from the ground up.  Each week, take the time to set sacred space/time.  Go through the motions of setting up an altar, honouring the directions, spirits/god/dess, etc.  Explain each and everything in detail and answer any questions along the way.  Tell them why you are doing everything that you do.  This will teach the child what to expect at public rituals.  They will feel safer and more engaged in the ritual.

Take that sacred time and talk to them about different aspects that are important to your path.  Use language that is common in ritual and explain the meanings of these terms.  Show them how to hold a candle safely, burn incense, make an offering, etc.  Teach them grounding techniques and expectations of what to do when they feel like they are getting buzzed or unbalanced from the energy.

Next, take them to public rituals and participate from a distance outside the circle.  As you observe the ritual, quietly give them a play-by-play of everything that is happening in the ritual and explain why each thing is being done.  You may not like the fact that you are missing out on the ritual itself, but you're not.  You will receive all the experience you need at the time from the peanut gallery.

Again, be prepared to leave at any time.  You can take a break and walk away from the circle and then come back and observe more.  All the while, you can talk to the child about circle etiquette.  Show them the examples of how everyone stands quietly or talks only when it is their turn.

When both you and your child feel confident that they are able to stand in ritual, talk to the individual officiating and ask for a brief outline of what the ritual will be about and what will take place.  If the child has expectations of things to come, they are less likely to lose interest because they will have the anticipation of the next process.  Ask the individual officiating what they would like you to do to exit the ritual if the need arises.  Give the child a way of letting you know that they want to leave the ritual (a hand signal, a word) and honour that.

If you need to exit the ritual, go back to your observation point from outside the circle if that is comfortable for the child.  Eventually, the child will be able to participate for longer and longer periods of time.  Once you have left the circle, do not ask to re-enter with the child.  It's just rude.  It will probably be OK, however, to re-join the ritual alone if your child is safe in another area and will not disturb the ritual.

If you work with a small group or coven, and you feel like your child is ready to be involved in ritual, it helps to give them jobs.  Within a small group, they might allow your child to have the task of placing the offering, passing out cups or walking with a plate of food to each member, passing out incense sticks or any other prop that is being used in the ritual, etc.  You'd be surprised.  Even the most fidgety child will wait for their time in ritual to do their job.  Keep their hands busy and let them hold something.  It could be their place to hold a feather or small fairy bowl.  Be creative and appropriate for the individual child.  It makes them feel special, needed and part of the community.

Having children at ritual is not a perfect fit.  However, if you are determined to make it happen, then you will have to do the work to benefit all involved.  That is just part of parenthood.  Expecting others to put up with your child behaving inappropriately is simply poor form.  Just like you teach your child how to behave at a restaurant, teach them how to behave at ritual.  And, just like at a restaurant, be prepared to make a quick exit if necessary.

© Gail Fritz 2005